My Quiverfull Journey

(THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN BUT NEVER PUBLISHED IN APRIL 2008)

Have you ever started a book, then grown weary and laid it aside? Then picked it up again years later with renewed eyes and understanding?



I first was confronted with the idea of a Quiverfull lifestyle by reading "A Full Quiver" back in 1997. I had just graduated high school, and had no intentions of having children for a long, long time. I think at the time I was planning to go to college for 4 years, get married in the fifth year, have a child or two, then.....I don't know what I was thinking! But this is the way my parents had done it, and it seemed to have worked.



A dear friend of mine leant me the book,which I devoured (because that is what I do to books!) and the idea absolutely set my heart on fire, and my world on its ear.



Prior to 1997, I don't think I had ever changed one diaper. I had only babysat once, with a friend. And I didn't really like kids all that much. In retrospect, the largest family I had ever known had 4 kids, and that seemed very large. I was one of three, and when I think about all of my closest friends in high school, I think almost all of them were the oldest of 2 children. (I'm not sure how that happened, but it is weird)



During this amazing year, I fell in love with my future husband, we became engaged and I began to freak out. We were not even married, and I was obsessing about birth control, and what if we didn't use it, and I had a child every year for 35 years? What if we couldn't afford it? What if we didn't want them?



I am teasing a little bit, but the fear was larger than anything I'd ever felt before. It was Satanic. It was overwhelming. I prayed without ceasing that the Lord would calm my heart and take my fear away. I tried to explain all of this to my Beloved, but he really didn't get it (to his credit, he tried really hard!)



Fast forward to the month of the wedding. I had basically forgotten my Quiverfull convictions in light of REALITY, so I skipped off to the doctor to get my pills. In the process, the doctor (Bless her soul forever!) discovered that I have Protein S deficiency, which causes a tendency toward blood clots, and that I can NEVER take a birth control pill.



Step 2: We tried DepoProvera. This did in fact prevent pregnancy - because I became such an awful person my husband wouldn't get NEAR me! So, once that faded out of my system we moved on to



Step 3: The Diaphragm. I could never get this device to be comfortable, so I didn't use it! :)



Step 4: Condoms. With all other choices out the window we resorted to condoms. We both hated it. It seems extremely unnatural. And apparently we didn't read the instructions, because I became pregnant with our first child while trying not to conceive.





Child# 2: Conceived using condoms

Child #3: Conceived using spermicides

Child #4: Decided not to prevent....pregnant two weeks later!



And now....I am currently using an IUD. But I am having very Quiverfull desires. I want to be at home. I want to trust God to give or not give us children. I want the blessings that will come from obedience.



But....I also want peace in my home, which is hard to maintain with very little kids. I want to climb out of debt, which is hard to do on one income and with very expensive pregnancies. I want to love my husband, which is by far the hardest when I am tired, and he is irritated by the noise, and I am irritated that he is so irritated, when I'm the one who has been around it all day........!



But, far above all, I want to obey.



And if that means



-No birth control.....then I will choose to learn to maintain a peaceful home full of little ones, and I will learn to love my husband by creating a peaceful environment



Or if that means


-Submitting to my husband's desires to plan our pregnancies....then I will choose to be at peace, and not a contentious woman. I will support his choices and not talk about it behind his back, and I will thank God for a husband who will stand up to my whims and fancies and be a leader.



So, in the last 2 weeks I have again presented my Quiverfull ideas to my husband of eight years, and he has agreed to think about it. Since I didn't hear him thinking, I nagged once or twice. And last night he said that he had talked to one of our pastors about it, and will be meeting with him next week.



Aghast! I almost jumped down his throat! I happen to know that the dear wife of this dear pastor is against Quiverfull ideas. But, later when I had calmed down, I realized the grace of God. First, my husband is thinking and talking about it. Second, I know this pastor is a man of the Word, and that he will have a well thought out argument, what ever he says. And, this is the coolest part....no matter what the pastor says, my husband's heart is in the hand of the Lord!



Just like Balaam, God can take a messenger that says "birth control is reasonable" to show my husband "birth control is wrong." And then I would know that it truly is the hand of the Lord, and not the naggings of a wife, or the pressure of a church, that is leading our family in this direction....



Because, it would DEFINITELY be a roller coaster ride!